Surgery on my 1 year mark.‏

email 8/11/10
For some dumb reason Rhode Island has a made up holiday called 'victory day', which I'm convinced is just another cheap excuse for the government to close down all their institutions such as libraries and banks to torture us missionaries and impede us from emailing our loved ones (hence why I'm emailing today, on Wednesday). It's a conspiracy.
This week I hit my glorious 1 year mark as a missionary and had surgery the same day. August 5th will forever be a memorable day in my life, for both infamy and for nostalgic remembrance of these good times. Surgery went well, and they removed the scarred tissue I had with not other complications or problems. I reacted pretty funny to the anesthesia that I was administered, and I hallucinated a little bit. It was pretty weird. I saw cars that kept appearing out of nowhere in front of us that would instantly vanish as soon as we run into them on the ride home from the hospital. It was freaking me out. I thought we were going to die. Then at home, a wall in my apartment began to turn red and resemble jello. I think that was it for the hallucinations, but I was drugged up on painkillers for the rest of the weekend. I'm still not up to full speed, and I'm still handling some pain from recovery, but I'm at least out of the house and teaching again.
I thought initially that having surgery on my 1 year mark was a bad omen, but as I sat recovering from my surgery, I had a lot of time to contemplate the past year of my life, my struggles and successes, my triumphs and failures, and how I've grown. I was able to reminisce and evaluate what I've been doing the past year, and now I have the opportunity to begin the 2nd half of my 2 year mission with a renewed desire and motivation to share Jesus' Gospel with those here in Connecticut and Rhode Island. I've learned SO much from the past year, and I now see so many things that I can do to continually improve my teaching and efforts as a messenger of the Gospel. The mission is doing incredible things for me, and it's not even really about me. I'm hear to serve the Lord. I'm here to serve His children. I'm here as a servant, forsaking myself and entrusting all I am to God to do with it as He needs. At the same time, the experiences I'm having and the lessons I'm learning are not just for benefit of those I'm teaching right now, but they will be for my benefit, the benefit of my future family, and all those whom I will continue to serve, utilizing these abilities and skills that God has granted me and helped me to develop. Our mission president was talking about his mission in a recent training we had, and he spoke about how every single good thing that has ever come to him was effected by his decision to serve a mission. His family was blessed by the leadership and lessons he learned while serving as a missionary and by the testimony that gained in the Lord's service. His career, schooling, personal and professional life in general, were all effected by his mission. In the mission field, we learn life-long teaching skills that are crucial to having effective future relationships such as listening and asking good questions. We learn how to plan and set meaningful goals and strive to reach them. We learn about the gospel, strengthening our testimonies and our abilities to teach and serve, and we deepen our personal convictions. We strengthen and form the emulative character of a disciple of Jesus Christ by striving to live as He would have us live and do what He would have us do. We learn to confront adversity with positive attitudes, and we grow in patience and perseverance. In short, the mission shapes us all into the beings that God would have us be. My motive has always been love, and will continue to be love, but I've learned to love deeper and more profoundly than I ever thought I could, and I've grown closer to my Saviour than I ever thought I could be.
At the beginning of my mission, I really wanted to be the greatest missionary I could possibly be. While that is a worthy pursuit, I don't think that I was fully consecrating my heart to God like I should have. I want to be a 'great teacher', 'powerful testifier', etc... When I should have been more focused and content with being what God wanted me to be. It's not bad to want to be those things, but all of those attributes come to us a result of God's will and His granting them unto us as well as our own diligent efforts and personal righteousness. The 'perfectionist' in me wanted me to be GREAT. I wasn't doing it for the wrong reasons (namely that I wanted to be 'great' for the purposes of serving God and doing His work), but it was as if I couldn't be content with simply being ME, or rather, the me who God wanted me to be. I think that many of us, while striving to use our agency constructively and be responsible end up being 'over-accountable' or 'over-anxious', which actually results in us being 'under-engaged' in a good cause. When we worry less about what we want for ourselves and give ourselves unto God with attitude of King Lamoni ("I will give up all my sins to know [God]") or the people of King Benjamin ("we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually"), then God can mold us. We need to be happy serving God in the unique spheres in which He has placed us, with our own unique set of abilities as well as weaknesses. For me, this meant that I had to realize that God didn't call 'Righteous-Robot-Missionary 2.0' to serve here, but He called Elder Luke Shepherd, with all that accompanies him. He gave me my strengths and weaknesses for a reason, and He has a grand design and purpose behind it. At the beginning of my mission, I think I was initially just trying to be something that I'm not. I can honestly say now that I'm content with being 'Elder Luke Shepherd', and I only desire to be what the Lord desires of me to be. I just want Him to mold me into the person who He needs me to be, and I'm willing to give up all my sins to know Him. I'll change the bad and become better, and I'll be content with who I am and what I have to offer. Let us remember that our individual worth has already been divinely established as 'great in the sight of God', and that it does not fluctuate like the stock-market as we experience the up's and down's of mortality, nor does it expand or diminish with positions of 'power' or leadership'. Our callings or worldly circumstances do not establish our individual worth, God does, and He already loves you, and thinks the world of you.
Isn't that awesome!? Isn't that awesome that a being such as our Father in Heaven, who has created worlds without end and limitless other creations, who is all-powerful and all-knowing, who commands the elements and intelligences of the universe by the power of His word, that His entire work and His glory is our immortality and eternal life. What a mind-blowing realization to truly know that you are a child of God, and that His entire work and happiness is your happiness. Remember who you are!
I know who I am. (3 Nephi 5:13) "I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the son of the living God. I have been called of Him to teach His word among His people that they might have everlasting life." I am a son of my loving Father in Heaven, and my potential is eternal, and I lay my destiny in His hands.
I love you all, and I pray for you continually. I owe you many thanks for the prayers offered in my behalf, for both my health and for the missionary work I perform, and for missionaries around the world.
         Much love from your favorite elder,
             -Elder Shepherd